Finding a Sponsor
What is a Sponsor?
Sponsors are OA members who are living the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions to the best of their ability. They are willing to share their recovery with other members of the Fellowship and are committed to abstinence. Ask a member who has what you want from the program how they are achieving it. A member may work with more than one sponsor and may change sponsors at will.
What does a Sponsor do?
Ideally, a sponsor provides one-on-one guidance as you work and grow together through the Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous. Sponsors share their program up to the level of their own experience. They pass on what they have, often in the same way that they received it.
Qualities of a Good Sponsor
Although there are no specific qualifications for sponsorship in OA, it’s best to work with a sponsor who is committed to abstinence and to working the Steps.
Some basic qualities you might look for in a good sponsor include:
– Works a strong program in all three aspects: spiritually, emotionally, and physically.
– Is open and honest and willing to share both good and bad experiences. (How else does a sponsee see that it is okay to make mistakes and learn how to recover from them?)
– Has good communication skills and can clearly articulate expectations. (The sponsor and sponsee need to be on the same page here.)
– Is able to maintain a degree of detachment and not get caught up in any sponsee “drama”. (A sponsor is not responsible for the failures or the successes of a sponsee.)
– Is not attached to any single “right” way of doing things. Willing to work on finding what works for the sponsee.
– Has time available for phone calls and face-to-face meetings
– Holds what is shared with them in confidence.
Where do I find a Sponsor?
The best way to decide whether you might want to ask someone to work with you as a sponsor is to pay close attention to the sharing in meetings.
Here are some question you might ask yourself:
- Does the person you are considering have enough recovery to serve as a model for your abstinence?
- How does this person treat others?
- To what does the person attribute their serenity?
- Can you hear evidence of this person’s relationship with a Higher Power?
- Do you hear a message of experience, strength, hope and gratitude?
When you resonate with someone’s ideas as they share, and believe you might want what they have, it is a good idea to speak with them a few times. This may confirm your interest in them being your sponsor, or you may change your mind.
Some people “interview” potential sponsors. Is this person who has what you want also willing to give you what you need? Asking the person how they work with sponsees is a good way to start the conversation. Explaining what you hope your sponsor can give you in the way of time and the type of support you desire is important information to impart. The potential sponsor might have certain expectations of people they sponsor. All of this can come out in the conversation.
Another technique that has worked well for someone who feels scared about the commitment of asking someone to sponsor, or has not found someone who has what they want, is to ask for temporary sponsorship. A sponsor who is “full” may take you on as a temporary sponsee. You and your temporary sponsor will soon have a sense of how well the relationship is working out.
You could also ask someone to take you through the Newcomers’ First Twelve Days process.
How do I find a sponsor?
A great starting place to find a sponsor is at a meeting in your local area. Attend as many meetings as you can to find candidates. Look for people at meetings you identify with and who have what you want. You may need to attend several meetings before you find a sponsor.
I tried to find a sponsor, but failed. Now what?
Make phone calls…lots of them. Send emails. Take names, numbers, and addresses from the “we care” lists that are circulated at the meetings. Take down the information that’s posted in Zoom meetings’ Chat. Talk to people often. Sometimes a sponsor can be “full,” but will make room for you if you have spoken to them regularly. Ask someone who has not sponsored before; you may become their first sponsee. Anyone with more experience than you is a candidate. It is best, however, that your sponsor has a sponsor.
If you cannot find a permanent sponsor, ask someone to be your temporary sponsor while you look for a permanent one. Most meetings have a list of people willing to answer newcomers’ questions. Ask one of them to guide you until you find a sponsor.
You are not alone!